This is a really challenging topic for me to interpret, which will cause courage to keep writing. I will try my absolute best to honest and transparent with my words, I promise it will not be long to read (I hate long paragraph…) so please bear with me haha xx
Many people have known me as out-going, sanguine, and playful…well YES, hands down... I AM, perhaps I am the most annoying and never-stop-messing-around friend you have! I might also be that someone who has the world's WEIRDEST personality that causes you say: "sorry, I don't know her!" I really love myself this way, being someone who is carefree and optimistic with everything… even in the messed up situation, I’d always choose to see the bright side. My friends often acknowledge me that I light up the atmosphere immediately with my presence, being around me is always filled with peals of laughter, could be a little overwhelming with all the energy of course hahahahaha! Well...…Life didn't go so well with me, I was diagnosed with schizophrenia in the year 2016. I remembered I was incredibly depressed and unmotivated starting at the beginning of 2014, I had never experienced happiness during for almost 2 years, it was a total terror.
‘Schizophrenia is a serious mental disorder in which people interpret reality abnormally. Schizophrenia may result in some combination of hallucinations, delusions, and extremely disordered thinking and behavior that impairs daily functioning, and can be disabling. People with schizophrenia require lifelong treatment.’ – mayoclinic.org
I doubted it... I doubted it so hard that I was confused with myself every day - ‘God, why me?’. I had never seen myself carrying a mental illness that acts as a powerful obstacle to stop pursuing joyfulness. Since then, started seeing the psychiatrist regularly until I got ‘better’, I stopped the session at the end of 2017. I was struggling with school, my relationship with friends and family, my hobbies, my sleep.…myself. I hated to do everything feared.
Metal illness does not have a physical form hence there is almost no warning sign, for me it comes wave by wave, sometimes a tsunami. It has never been easy. The worst is when you get misunderstood and you do not have the right words to defend yourself, so often to encounter myself in this situation… as time passed, I realised I should be with people that chose to know me with their hearts, people that put effort to read me, to understand me, people who accept me, people who love me at my greatest and darkest.
Not only surrounding myself with positive people, meanwhile I have to learn to accept and love myself, too. I was super ashamed for being a schizophrenic, I was afraid to approach people, I was worried if they will look at me differently… I know I will have to overcome this fear one day. I practice self-love and self-care, my biggest breakthrough was taking a semester off from university because I saw the red flag in my health condition, everything was falling apart, physically and mentally. I came back to Malaysia, promised to take full responsibility to take good care of myself before I allowed myself to get back to school or work. I believe strongly to be co-existed with mental illness, contributing self-love is the dominant part. Consistently check on yourself, give the times you deserved, remind yourself it is perfectly ok to not be ok.
I am still the Anneliese everyone knows, I never truly have the courage to share this side of me. I am writing this to raise the awareness of mental health. So yeah, here I am, sharing the story with you. I am so happy I finally have the courage to finish this!
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